I have been struggling with forgiveness…
And I have been making myself wrong for struggling with forgiveness…
I am supposed to be holy and good and I am ‘supposed to’ forgive easily
Or so I told myself as I continued to beat myself up and try to stifle the emotions of anger and hurt that kept sneaking through…
And so I got to talking to Papa about it
Asking for help to forgive
Asking for help to see clear past the haze of anger and hurt
And as always, His perspective is different from mine.
In short, He said…
“Allow yourself to be unforgiving until you can forgive
Your prosperity and success is not dependent on being forgiving unless you choose to believe it is
It is the forcing yourself to forgive and let go that blocks you”
OK, so there were many more words but that was the gist of it
I forget just how deeply my religious roots go sometimes…
‘Forgive or else you will not be forgiven’, ‘Forgive or else things will not go well for you’ are some of the rules that I have used to beat myself up on many an occasion…
And so, I had decided that my expanding into the next level for me was going to be dependent on being completely clear of any unforgiveness…
And if I could not forgive then I must not be worthy of further success
But actually, the trying to force myself to forgive was blocking my energy
I was trying to force the hurt and anger to go away
I wanted to bury it all and pretend to be loving
But feelings do not stay buried
And even when you manage it, then you limit your creative energy because it takes a lot of energy to bury emotions…
So I gave myself permission to be hurt and angry
I gave myself love for feeling the way I do
I gave myself permission to keep myself away from people who hurt me, instead of trying to be the more ‘christian’ one and continually thinking that I had to fix it with them…
And I take responsibility for my anger and hurt so this is no blame or guilt game
I just allow myself to be where I am
I allow my emotions to flow
And I love myself
And I know Papa loves me so I wallow in His love which means I do not need anyone else’s love as much as I thought I did
And for now, that is enough
It may sound self-indulgent
It may even sound like I am trying to avoid handling it
However I see now that I have given it so much energy by trying to force myself to let it go
And that is energy that I would rather give to the deliberate design of my next level life
And also, those emotions of anger and hurt show me what needs to heal within me because no one can hurt me unless something inside of me gives them permission…
The emotions are a gift
Burying them means I do not get the benefit of the gift
Why do I share this?
Who knows…
It is my message for today
Make of it what you will.
Much Amazing Love
