Maybe, it was your dad that convinced you that if you trusted someone to take care of you, they would do the unexpected painful thing, even though they might claim to be joking.
Maybe, it was your mum who made you distrusting of love because everything you told her got related to every family member so EVERYONE seemed to know your secrets.
Maybe, it was a sibling who betrayed you in some way.
An aunty, An Uncle, A teacher, a pastor.
Somehow you came away from that experience, or many, many, MANY like it, feeling very distrusting of any one who claimed to ‘love’ you.
And that includes God.
You want to be in control of every single thing.
YOu make your prayers as SPECIFIC as possible, just to ensure you don’t get shipped off to some third world, unnamed territory as God tries to force you to grow
YOu try to get everything RIGHT and PERFECT.
You need to feel on top of everything.
And it leaves no room for ease or allowing.
Because it is all dependent on you working HARD, and struggling for every little thing and sacrificing every good thing in order to maybe create something else.
You try to foresee every eventuality.
But you can’t.
Without trust in the Divine to put the right pieces together at the exact right moment, you get in the way.
You force and strive and struggle.
And it is so hard on you.
And if you are somehow able to get some of what you want, something suffers – Your health, your priority relationships or you are surrounded by leeches that you think you need to cloak the inner feeling of loneliness or you are simply stuck doing work you hate but think you HAVE TO do in order to keep the illusion of success going.
How long though?
Some do it until they die.
Do you want that story?
You can learn to surrender ACTIVELY.
I sometimes talk about holding the tension for what you want.
This is what I mean.
It is tense to trust that everything is actually working out for your good when you are not used to trusting.
So most spiritual people break the tension by settling for less, whereas others break the tension by pushing, striving, struggling to get there on their own.
YOu completely believe you can have what you have set your mind upon and you remain open to it coming from anywhere, even when everything inside of you wants to give in and do what you have always done. No, you don’t do nothing – YOu get on with the joys of living life in the direction of your vision but you leave the finer detail to God.
Like most spiritual things, it is a skill.
I invite you to learn it, just as I continue to learn to expand into greater and greater trust.
Put those ideas to practise in your life.
Much Amazing Love