“Papa, why am I so scared of people?”
I woke up with that thought on my mind…
Well, not quite woke up with the thought but close enough…
Let me explain…
I sometimes lie in bed, in the dark, trying to make myself get up as it is usually about 4am or so…
And so I say good morning to Papa and I choose to think of things to be thankful for…
Yeah I know, it sounds so holy but really it does not always work that way…
I have got a lot more deliberate about those waking moments and try to keep them positive but…
SOMETIMES, I wake up and first, I am terrified of the day ahead…
Terrified that I have to face people…
Let’s be precise…
Terrified that I keep CHOOSING TO face people…
Terrified of the big vision in my head that seems way BIGGER than me…
Terrified that I am silly for continually doing this to myself…
When people fucking scare me at times…
And then, to calm down, I CHOOSE TO think of things to be thankful for…
I CHOOSE to pray and reconnect with Papa…
I CHOOSE TO see the big vision in my mind’s eye and realise I am not alone in bringing it to life…
And then as I calm down, Papa brings to mind various things in the silence to help me heal…
And today was People…
( OK, exaggeration alert – I feel like I must say that some of the above is an exaggeration… or maybe I am trying to downplay it…
Who knows?! )
But I know you know what I mean because you feel the same…
The same separateness from most of the people around you…
The same fear that they just might see you and they just might not like you…
That same feeling that you both love and fear them…
That same defensiveness you feel around people as though everyone is out to attack you, if you let your guard down even a little…
That weird fear that they will see your flaws and they will despise you and so you want to hide…
That same desire you have for them to like you…
The same rebellion that tells you that you just do not care what people think…
But you do.
You do care…
You would rather not be seen than risk being seen and not liked…
But you tell yourself that you do not care and you do not need them and yet, you feel like you do…
And you feel alone, even though you put on a front and pretend to have it all together…
And they buy into it…
They buy into the bravado…
And let’s be clear, you are pretty darned strong…
Yep, you are stronger than most…
And you know it…
And that causes you to step away from perceived weakness in other people…
You despise it…
Because it causes you to see your perceived weakness and you do not like to look at that…
Yes, honey – You and me are pretty similar…
People have hurt me badly…
People have also brought great joy to my life and helped me heal…
People have said horrid things about me, done horrid things to me, left me exposed, not loved me when I desperately wanted them to love me…
And so now, because I have this calling on my life and I want to live it out, I end up feeling torn between
- Wanting to love people out loud in the public arena that is social media and live out the calling on my life WITH people…
- Hiding in a cave somewhere being spiritual, untouchable and guru-like because people scare me, with their unpredictability and their weaknesses that show my weaknesses…
I am tempted to stop writing this…
It feels too vulnerable…
It feels like my weaknesses are showing up too much…
And yep, I want to hide…
But well, Papa brought it up so I will blame Him – (ha ha! Except I can’t. I KNOW I never have to do anything. I am choosing to show up, to be ‘me’ before you…)
So let’s talk, you and I…
Because I get the feeling that you are not showing up online (or anywhere) because you are scared of taking the wrong step and forever, being considered a pariah.
I fear the same thing…
I do it anyway.
You can join me.
I am scared some person will take my identity and steal all my money and come kick down my door like they used to do to me in Nigeria and maybe, they will kill one of my kids…
Yes, my mind goes there…
And I show up anyway…
Social media is both a blessing and a curse…
It connects me with lots of people and I know I am called to use it but it also exposes me to lots of people…
And as we have already established that scares me because well… people scare me…
I too want to hide…
I am not even sure I would use social media at all, if I did not have this big idea of reaching people worldwide…
And some days, I think I should just play it safe…
Go back to offline networking…
Put the suit on, put on the guru front, slap on a smile and go shake hands with people and because everyone is doing the same, no one would know that I was shaking in my boots, pretending to be the coach that they can depend on…
When deep inside, they terrify me.
But NO!!!…
I am the one that chooses to expose myself on Social media…
To tell all…
And the crazy thing is, I believe I am called to this…
Called to face into my fear of people…
Face into my fear of how I will come across…
Some say that social media is all fake and unreal…
And it can be…
But no more than offline can be…
You can see someone at church every week for years and still not know their deep dark secrets, same as you can online…
It is just people being people, putting on fronts, pretending to be whatever it is they think you want to see…
And the truth is, I do not even know completely where this post is going…
I simply felt the need to be real with you this morning…
You scare me and I love you…
Maybe that is not possible – After all, fear and love are not supposed to co-exist…
But they mostly do in the human being…
We get to choose which one we give more credence to.
And every day, I choose to show up…
And love you
I know there is more room for you to see me, to really truly see and feel my heart…
I have dreams of a more engaged community of people…
With all the likes and the comments and the shares…
And everyone knowing my name and yep, throwing money at me etc…
Yep, I WANT validation as much as the next person…
I end up reading all those posts about how to make people like you online and one of the rules is that I am not supposed to write such a long post like this one…
they should all be short or they should be list posts with nice little bullet points that will tie up your life in one 5 minute read…
But well, if I am going to do this thing, I suppose I had better just be me, talkative, slightly crazy me…
And there is still room for MORE me…
And yet I get scared that you will not like what you see of me and so I still hide it…
Which probably means you may think that I am standoffish and so you stand back and watch me…
Inspired but not sure yet if you trust me…
Probably wise…
I am just a human being working out my calling in public…
Daring to believe that I can live a life that makes a difference to at least 334000 people worldwide…
Daring to believe that I can support them in getting clear on their calling and living it out…
Daring to believe that we can change the world together…
Daring to believe that the words I hear from Papa, need to be shared with you so that you too can go after every dream in your heart…
Because though you scare me a little, I do want you to prosper…
Though I think you might hurt me if I let you too much into my heart, I WANT YOU TO WIN and I know I can support you in doing that…
And so, yes, people scare me…
But I will continue to seek healing so that I can show up even more openly and you can see that what you see is really who I am.
Everything laid out for you to see and judge because in the end, I KNOW I am loved so I need not fear you or anyone else…
And it all comes back to you…
Will you show up?
Will you get past the need to hide?
Will you live out the calling in your heart and start speaking the message you feel called to deliver?
Regardless of whether people scare you or not…
Regardless of whether some will say all kinds of nonsensical things about you or not…
Will you just be your real, unapologetic self and seek to love your people?
Write ‘YES’ in the comments…
Make a commitment to you…
OUT LOUD!
Not some scared little chicken internal commitment that yuo can easily back away from…
Go on, say ‘YES’
OK, I had better stop…
I feel Like I am working out my healing right here in front of you…
And maybe I am.
Fight for, deliberately design the life you are born to live
Because you want to.
Before you go, if you read this far into this, then I want you deeper in my community…
A place where determined spiritual people seek to heal and face down fears and then we come out into the world and live life out loud…
Knowing that the community has your back…
Knowing that you are loved and supported…
And so you no longer need validation from those you want to make a difference to…
A place where daily you can receive divine downloads to get your mind and heart in the right place to live a bold, happy, awakened life…
A place where FREEDOM, FULFILMENT & ABUNDANCE are the expected norm for every member…
I feel the idea building in me…
It still has no name…
And it is not fleshed out completely yet…
But keep an eye out…
It comes.
A place for free-spirits like you and I…
And in the meantime, come get the book PRAY. AFFIRM. RECEIVE – I am giving it away for free – It will show you how to get clear, stay clear and take action to get what you want out of life – RosemaryNonnyknight.com/bookgift
Expect to be the one of the first to know when this new community comes to life…
