What happens when you feel like the worst mother in the world?

What happens when you feel like the worst mother in the world?

No positivity here…

Today was one of those days where you decide that you are not going to let anything get in the way of you being your very best self and then you realize…

You missed something.

You left something to chance…

You hoped it would be ok but it was not…

But you cannot take it back so you have to find a way to live with yourself and when it is your mothering that feels under attack, it is tough.

Maybe, you promised yourself to be the best mother in the world, you chose to home-educate and you wanted to make sure that life was so much more perfect for your own kids than it was for you…

How do you then cope when you realize that you overlooked something and now your baby, the one you carried for 9 months has been exposed to something that they really should not have been exposed to.

And you cannot take it back.

Now, being the positive woman that I am, I know all the stuff that I should say to myself. I know I should forgive myself already but really…

All I feel is waves and waves of pain…

Pain that this thing has happened to my baby and I was not aware enough to stop it.

It feels like a repeat of my past – My mum all caught up in her work, in trying to keep our heads above water, in trying to do her best to hold everything together and yet, a lot of things seeped through the cracks and once, things happen, there is no taking it back.

And now, a lot of the way I raise my kids is a response to how I was brought up and somehow, it feels a little like the past repeating itself – Can I really not do anything to stop it?

And then you have your very loving children telling you that you are the best mother in the world when really, you know, they do not know any better.

They have never experienced the joys of that best mother in the world, they only know me and I know just how far from ‘best’ I really am.

And all I can do is weep and weep as they say this to me, as they try to comfort me!

I am the one to comfort them!

I am the MOTHER!

I am the one who should protect them!

OK… so I know this all sounds pretty melodramatic and I imagine that some of you, mums reading this will feel all self-righteous that you are the perfect mother.

Well, I know I am not.

I am pretty blessed to get to spend an incredible amount of time with my princesses – A fact for which I am thankful but today, I found myself thinking I would be better off sending them to school.

I am sorry, I cannot share exactly what happened today as that would be too exposing for my girl but rest assured, that there are days when I wish I was a woman that could be satisfied with being the perfect helicopter parent.

A woman who felt at peace with herself when being just a mum.

Even as I type that, I know there is no such thing as ‘just a mum’ – there is power in it, there is mission in it, there is purpose in mothering but …

Mothering alone is not enough for me.

Maybe, I am selfish… who knows?

I am who I am for now…

Always attempting to grow and strip off the layers to become my best self.

And yet, one of the goals I am committed to is being the best mum I can be and today, I feel like a failure.

Anyway, enough of the typing, enough of the spewing my pain…

Let forgiveness begin as I learn the lessons from today and do what I need to do to make sure this never happens again.

To all you women, who sometimes feel like the worst mother in the world…

I feel your pain and as soon as I can give myself permission to forgive me, I will ask you to extend the same courtesy to yourself.

Papa, help us all…

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