‘They’ did not trust me…
It meant I struggled to trust myself.
It did not need to mean that.
But I allowed it to mean that and so, for a long, LONG time, I doubted myself, I doubted my abilities, I doubted my sanity even at times, particularly when I was doing things that others did not expect me to do.
It was easy becoming a pharmacist – I knew ‘they’ trusted me to do that.
It was easy becoming a leader in church – I knew ‘they’ trusted me to do that.
It was easy to be lazy around housework – I knew ‘they’ trusted me to do that.
It was HARD to free myself from their expectations.
I did not trust myself off the path they had laid out for me.
I was the bookworm, the one that may find a cure for AIDS with all my book knowledge, the one who would get a good job and stay there until she died, the one who would probably prove to be a useless wife because she could not cook or clean & did not care to, the one who was happy-clappy christian, the one who would take care of brothers and could possibly be coerced to keep giving money to extended family, the one who sometimes rebelled and was selfish but mostly could be manipulated back into being whatever she was needed to be.
That was their path for me.
It was HARD to rediscover myself outside of it.
I was not sure if I was just being selfish and silly for wanting what I wanted and I judged myself incessantly – investigating my motives, challenging my own every decision, forever sure that I must be making mistakes, forever sure that I would fail and have to crawl back home with tail between legs, begging for forgiveness…
It made it hard to break free from the well-beaten path
It can still feel hard at times to be out here, knowing that most of my loved ones do not really get why I do the things that I do.
And stepping off the path ‘they’ have laid out for you and discovering yourself does not mean instant success, there have been soooo many periods in my life when I truly felt like I must be making some massive mistake, when I have wondered if ‘they’ were right after all and I should just have gone along with whatever they wanted.
Except I had seen something bigger, better, more suited to me and regardless of how crazy it seemed to ‘them’, I could not turn away from it.
But my lack of self-trust made everything take so much longer than it would have done, if I just trusted ME and trusted the Divine’s whisper within me.
But no, I wanted approval.
I wanted ‘them’ to give me permission
While at the same time, claiming I did not care what ‘they’ thought and it did not matter if ‘they’ liked it or not…
But I was stalling, holding back on making powerful decisions that took me further out of the fold than I already was…
Oh what a waste of time.
I see you, love…
Holding back on your next step because it is taking you further away from the lines ‘they’ drew for you, possibly even before you were born.
This is your life.
You have different ideas about YOUR LIFE than ‘they’ do.
And their lack of trust in your ability to pull off your ideas of life, their lack of trust in your ability to live outside the lines they set for you, is being allowed to make you distrust yourself.
You are the one that knows what is best for you.
You are the ONLY one with all the choices for your life, my love.
CHOOSE to trust yourself
CHOOSE to believe that what you see and feel within you, is yours to create and that you will be backed by the Divine.
However, you got to back yourself, my love.
Use it to rebuild your self-trust.
Use it to restore your self-confidence
Read it, implement it and rise victorious in your TRUE DESIGN as you leave behind the pain and limiting beliefs of the past.
You deserve to thrive and prosper.
Much Amazing Love