It is painful to go deep sometimes

I used to avoid looking too hard

But the craving in my heart to KNOW and to be KNOWN by the Divine, keeps me digging deeper and deeper…

The craving in my soul to know and feel unconditional love means that I choose to look and to clear up as much as possible…

Today I unearthed a deep root within…

The root of abandonment

the root of not being wanted

At least the root for today

Sometimes, things go deeper than you realise but you handle what comes up when it comes up…

As I say to clients, if you just go digging willy-nilly, you could reach the other side of the planet and still have things that need to clear and be all full of self-pity at how hard life is for you because of this and that and the other…


And certainly, no unnecessary digging without a corresponding choice to move forward as well…

I keep moving forward, taking aligned action towards my vision and as I come to seeming roadblocks, I handle it.

So, the thing to handle today that came from the very depths of my soul and led to a stream of tears as something shifted within was the question to my parents…

“Why did you put me in foster care when I was only 6 weeks old?”

“Was I really so much of a burden to you already?”

“And if I was a burden to you, the ones who were meant to love me the most, then how much of a burden am I to those who do not have to love me?”

“How much do I need to prove myself, in order to be worthy enough, in order to stop being a burden?”

Even to type it up feels silly and weak…

Logically I know the answer to these questions…

I know why things were done in the way they were done…

I have even progressed to the place where I feel sympathy for my parents and the choices they felt they had to make at that time

I do not blame anyone for how I feel – I made a choice to feel this way.  Many have gone through similar and chosen to feel differently so I know I am a grown girl now, not a victim.

So yes, I get it…logically

But in my heart, it hurt and it meant I had built a life on the belief that I was unwanted…

I am not looking for sympathy or pity or violins…

I am just sharing my journey with you

Hoping that it will stir something in you so you too can dare to be vulnerable and allow yourself to heal…

Anyway, Papa has been speaking to me in recent days of the fact that I continually feel unwanted…

Continually feel as though I must do more and more to be accepted…

Even though I am that person who, on the face of it, rebels against anyone who tries to get me to do what they want me to do…

Still I felt guilt…

Always guilty and ashamed and I see now it was because I felt like a burden and guilty that I was making life even harder for others by being disagreeable when I just asked for what I wanted or refused to do something that felt wrong to me.

He has shown me that my recent hardship with forgiving came from my attachment to being wanted and deep anger and hurt when I realised I was not…

I feel like deleting this whole post right now as I do not even completely know where it is going to go

But I also know it is healing for me to write

To shine a light on the dark parts of my soul

To love myself despite them

that is certainly something I have struggled with at times…

I keep wanting to make myself wrong for feeling what I feel but that just has the effect of adding insult to the initial injury

Better to love whatever you see within

Better to just let it be as you connect to Source and allow the unlimited love to allow you make a higher choice

And that is my heart’s desire…

To live a life of total connection to Source with no lies shielding me from the unconditional love that I know is mine

And full access to all the prosperity that flows when I am connected

I want it all

And so, I dare to look deep

And I dare to heal

Please remember.

  1. Your vision is your permission.
  2. You are capable of your calling.
  3. You are much more powerful than you realise.
  4. Yes you can get everything you want.
  5. You are loved. You are enough. You are worthy. You deserve the very best of everything.


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Much Amazing Love 

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