I still remember the day I made an inner vow that I would never let anything my father did affect me EVER AGAIN. I was probably about 14/15 or so and I was hurting, hurting so badly inside because I felt unloved and alone and like nothing I did was ever enough.
I felt unloved by the one who should have loved me the most and it killed something inside of me.
I got harder, tougher that day.
I probably did not cry for ages after that.
I felt like I had to be strong.
I remember stealing my stuff back from cousins who lived in my home…
I remember feeling like my house was a scary place to be in.
I remember going to sleep every night wondering if this would be the night that the armed robbers came and whether this was going to be the night that I would listen to my mum being beaten up as they took her round the house, trying to get her to hand over any hidden money.
I remember the silence after…
Was she dead?
Was she okay?
My sister and brothers and I and any random cousins or peeps, living with us, all sat in the dark waiting…
Unsure if we could leave the room now…
But scared that Mum was hurt…
Scared that the longer we sat in the dark, maybe she was bleeding out…
Maybe we should go…
But we were scared.
They had guns.
We felt helpless and unsafe…
And then she would come…
Blood streaming down her face…
But at least, she was alive.
My dad would have been shouting from his bed, telling the thieves to leave my mum alone but he could not move – He was paralysed from his neck down.
Oh God, those were horrible times…
And that was my childhood.
That is a part of my story.
That made me both afraid and determined never to allow my children to go through all of that.
And as much as I feel for my parents and the trauma they had to live through time and time again – That was definitely not the life they had planned. This plus many other things closed them off as well and so they were not able to love me the way I needed to be loved…
And so I turned to God – not necessarily a bad thing
I turned to sex – not necessarily a bad thing except maybe too much for a 7 year old to begin processing alone, leading to problems later on in life
I built a solid wall around my heart that I continually have to break down, in order to let a select few people in
I did get hard inside.
And I have done a heckuva lot of work to break down my walls
And to learn that even though those who I expected to protect and love me, could not…
I AM ENOUGH
I DESERVE EVERY GOOD THING
I AM WORTHY
AND THEY DID THEIR BEST so I learnt to forgive
I am still on my journey – I cry even as I write the above so I know there is healing yet to be done…
But I say all this, not for sympathy…
But because I see you.
I see your pain
I see your desires
I see how you struggle to believe that you are worthy of all the abundance that you crave…
And you crave it because you think it will make you feel good enough
And you get confused as to whether you deserve to be punished still
Or whether building a business is actually this hard for everyone…
You get caught up in your head so much
And you do not do the work as consistently as you should because you battle this internal battle within
You are not even fully aware that this is going on
This may be a bit of a revelation to you
You just know that you are kinda scared of showing up…
Scared of being unprotected again…
Scared of being unloved again…
Scared that you are simply not worthy…
Not enough…
And scared that you just do not deserve any good thing…
And so you want to keep your head down
And just get on with living a normal life
You don’t want to be noticed
AND YET YOU DO!
Yo cannot deny the call inside of your heart for more…
The knowledge that you are BORN FOR MORE
And you want it all!
But…
HOW?
Some days, you feel abandoned, just like you did in the past
Other days, you feel like you could conquer the world
And you want to conquer…
You want it all
But you learnt that people always want to take away what is yours and so it is easier not to have anything to give…
You don’t know it
But that is one reason why you hold back from playing full out
You know you would win
But then you think you would have all these people wanting more than you are willing to give
So subconsciously, you think it would be easier to be one of them…
Though you despise them
And therefore despise yourself for playing this crazy game of being less.
Further reinforcing the fact that you are just not good enough…
And you have all kinds of great-sounding reasons…
Wrong skin colour
No time
No money
No support
No know-how
But you don’t want to ask for help.
Because you ARE STRONG
But brittle.
Deep inside, you are scared that to be seen could break you and that you would not be able to return to the person you are now and it took strength and crazy determination to make you this strong.
Ain’t nobody gonna come and shake your shaky foundations…
And so you settle for trying to learn all the strategies
But wonder why you never seem to have the consistency to make it work…
Or if you do make it work, where is the peace?
Where is the happiness?
Why do you never feel completely loved or able to love?
Why is it never enough?
Are you done yet?
Spirit/Intuition has been whispering to you
Calling you out
And you know you want freedom
Sexually, mentally, financially.
And this stuff bubbles up within you because it is time to heal, not as a way to keep you down…
It is stirred up so that you can release it and move on forward.
It is stirred up so that you see you are walking around the place with pain and you don’t have to…
Are you ready to be free?
Please remember.
- Your vision is your permission.
- You are capable of your calling.
- You are much more powerful than you realise.
- Yes you can get everything you want.
- You are loved. You are enough. You are worthy. You deserve the very best of everything.
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Much Amazing Love
