Like most, I was brought up within the confines of certain rules
This is the way life is supposed to work
Do it this way and you will win, they said
So I tried…
The rules, the boxes did not suit me or so I realised from a very early age
But I tried to fit in
I tried to live within the lines
And in some areas I pretended to make it work
Became the pharmacist
Was considered a ‘leader’ at church
Made good enough money
So why did I feel empty, dissatisfied and kinda sad?
Was this really it?
I had questions
No one had answers
Just more rules that should work if I just followed along
I even got scared to ask questions because then I would be seen as an unbeliever and I might lose my role and position
And then who would I be?
Without accolades, titles, position in established society, who would I be?
Life only ever seemed to be fun OUTSIDE of the rules though…
There was peace to be found OUTSIDE of the constructs
But I could not be on the outside and win at life, could I?!
And ‘win’, according to what standards anyway…
In some areas, I could not even pretend to make it work
Usually in the relationships with my extended family
The rules were many and completely un-understandable
I always felt wrong
Out of place
Trying hard to fit and also, not trying at all because it all seemed so silly
Why did I have to do that again?
And why did I have to show up in that way?
And why did I need to pay for that?
Is this really the only way for you to love me?
Only if I jump through the hoops?
No answers that made any sense to me
But I loved them
I wanted to belong
To be part of something
But it seemed I did not want it enough to give up my own soul in order to get it
I could have carried on, I suppose
It is life as most people know it
Trying to force themselves into a life that feels wrong
A life where they continually tell themselves that THEY themselves are wrong
Instead of realising that the rules are not solid, fixed or set in stone
They are simply constructs people living in fear have created to keep themselves safe
And most of us are brought up to accept fear as the normal
I did for a long time
And so I learnt to distrust myself
To stop listening to the little voice inside trying to tell me repeatedly that there was another way
A path of love
A path of fun (was Life allowed to just be fun?)
A path of happiness (it seemed frivolous to think of happiness as useful)
A path lived outside the construct of fear
Yes, there is lots of uncertainty on the path of love
And yet, deeper than that, there is complete certainty that I am safe, loved and fully supported
Just not like the world expects it to look
And so now I live on this precipice
In each moment, I get to choose to go one more step towards the seeming uncertainty of love
Or back into the certainty of fear
I know what I get with fear
I know I do not like it
But it is predictable
And in some moments, it seems easier than carrying on choosing the love step
For deep within me, is this certainty of love
This promise of the life I am creating
It is the pearl of great price
The pearl I sell everything else to obtain
Even as I type this, I realise I grew up on stories that Jesus told of people seeing the kingdom and selling everything, stripping off everything to obtain it
And I see again that this is what happens as I go deeper towards love
Everything really does fall away
And I can prolong the pain by trying to hold on tight to both love and fear
Or I can just let go of fear and go completely towards love
It is both scary and exhilarating
and I always get the option of going back to fear
But why would I?
I know what lives there
And I dislike it
So though it seems scary, oh so scary
I stand on the precipice between love and fear
And I jump off into the arms of love
Again and again and again
I let go of fear based relationships
I refuse to do anything just for fear
I choose to live in trust and keep taking step after step after step deeper in, and higher up in love
- Your vision is your permission.
- You are capable of your calling.
- You are much more powerful than you realise.
- Yes you can get everything you want.
- You are loved. You are enough. You are worthy. You deserve the very best of everything.
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Much Amazing Love