Like most, I was brought up within the confines of certain rules

This is the way life is supposed to work

Do it this way and you will win, they said

So I tried…


The rules, the boxes did not suit me or so I realised from a very early age

But I tried to fit in

I tried to live within the lines

And in some areas I pretended to make it work

Became the pharmacist

Was considered a ‘leader’ at church

Made good enough money

So why did I feel empty, dissatisfied and kinda sad?

Was this really it?

I had questions

No one had answers

Just more rules that should work if I just followed along

I even got scared to ask questions because then I would be seen as an unbeliever and I might lose my role and position

And then who would I be?

Without accolades, titles, position in established society, who would I be?

Life only ever seemed to be fun OUTSIDE of the rules though…

There was peace to be found OUTSIDE of the constructs

But I could not be on the outside and win at life, could I?!

And ‘win’, according to what standards anyway…

In some areas, I could not even pretend to make it work

Usually in the relationships with my extended family

The rules were many and completely un-understandable

I always felt wrong

Out of place

Trying hard to fit and also, not trying at all because it all seemed so silly

Why did I have to do that again?

And why did I have to show up in that way?

And why did I need to pay for that?

Is this really the only way for you to love me?

Only if I jump through the hoops?

No answers that made any sense to me

But I loved them

I wanted to belong

To be part of something

But it seemed I did not want it enough to give up my own soul in order to get it

I could have carried on, I suppose

It is life as most people know it

Trying to force themselves into a life that feels wrong

A life where they continually tell themselves that THEY themselves are wrong

Instead of realising that the rules are not solid, fixed or set in stone

They are simply constructs people living in fear have created to keep themselves safe

And most of us are brought up to accept fear as the normal

I did for a long time

And so I learnt to distrust myself

To stop listening to the little voice inside trying to tell me repeatedly that there was another way

A path of love

A path of fun (was Life allowed to just be fun?)

A path of happiness (it seemed frivolous to think of happiness as useful)

A path lived outside the construct of fear

Yes, there is lots of uncertainty on the path of love

And yet, deeper than that, there is complete certainty that I am safe, loved and fully supported

Just not like the world expects it to look

And so now I live on this precipice

In each moment, I get to choose to go one more step towards the seeming uncertainty of love

Or back into the certainty of fear

I know what I get with fear

I know I do not like it

But it is predictable

And in some moments, it seems easier than carrying on choosing the love step

Except no.

For deep within me, is this certainty of love

This promise of the life I am creating

It is the pearl of great price

The pearl I sell everything else to obtain

Even as I type this, I realise I grew up on stories that Jesus told of people seeing the kingdom and selling everything, stripping off everything to obtain it

And I see again that this is what happens as I go deeper towards love

Everything really does fall away

And I can prolong the pain by trying to hold on tight to both love and fear

Or I can just let go of fear and go completely towards love

It is both scary and exhilarating

and I always get the option of going back to fear

But why would I?

I know what lives there

And I dislike it

So though it seems scary, oh so scary

I stand on the precipice between love and fear

And I jump off into the arms of love

Again and again and again

I let go of fear based relationships

I refuse to do anything just for fear

I choose to live in trust and keep taking step after step after step deeper in, and higher up in love

Please remember.

  1. Your vision is your permission.
  2. You are capable of your calling.
  3. You are much more powerful than you realise.
  4. Yes you can get everything you want.
  5. You are loved. You are enough. You are worthy. You deserve the very best of everything.


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Much Amazing Love 

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