I remember reading my Bible around 6/7.
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Reading it from start to finish.
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Searching for something.
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Searching for someone.
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Wanting to be close to that something.
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Wanting to feel at one.
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Wanting to feel peace, joy, connection, freedom.
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Wanting to feel love.
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I remember reading books like ‘Hinds Feet on High Places’.
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Catching a glimpse of what I deeply longed for.
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This KNOWING that I was loved, so loved and I did not need to be afraid anymore.
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That I was always taken care of, always supported and watched over.
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That I was never alone, even on the days when I did feel so alone.
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There was always a presence, a knowing that there was something more.
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But I did not know how to reach it and stay in it.
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I thought religion would do it.
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But there were so many hoops and I jumped through them all willingly because I wanted this thing that I could glimpse but not quite reach.
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I led revivals, choirs at school, always longing to be forever surrounded in this thing.
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I left Catholicism, went pure christian, led things in the various organisations I was part of, Looked the part.
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But still, the thing I desired always seemed out there.
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And the ‘God’ I was taught about, was kinda unpredictable and scary.
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As likely to cut me down with lightning as he was to love me.
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It is difficult to relax with that.
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And on leaving school, searching for this thing through boys (never went all the way with any of them because there was just a knowing that THIS was not it, though it made for a fun interlude before they inevitably, bored the living daylights out of me and got cast off like yesterday’s laundry).
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I had questions, so many questions.
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While at school and still a practicing Catholic, I asked the seminarians that came to support our little gathering but no answers were sufficient.
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There were just more rules, more hoops, more things that seemed to separate me from this longing deep within me.
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And I even thought about being a Nun, to see if that would get me ‘THERE’.
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And in my late teenage years, early 20s, as part of a church where the members all lived together, I thought that might be the answer, particularly in the face of losing my Dad, I thought maybe, I could find that thing by moving in and living in a christian community but thankfully, someone thought it better that I take some more time to think about it before making the commitment.
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And I now see that that would never have satisfied because there would just have been more restrictions, more rules to follow in order to satisfy…? (I am not even sure who, because it certainly would not have made a difference to Papa).
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And I kept searching.
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time spent in the silence, each day – Seeking to find this thing through reading of spiritual text, through singing of spiritual songs and I got there, quite close to there but then I would get up and go into my every day life and separate it all out.
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I HAD TO do these physical reality things to be a functioning human being – Go to work or uni to do things I hated but had to do, perform at church, be around friends and family who tried to manipulate me, feel guilty all the time that I was not quite matching up to their expectations, then drown it all out with food, music, TV, books about nothing. Just regular adulting stuff.
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And this thing that I was searching for, could not impact my physical reality and so, it was like getting up from the silence and leaving my heart behind, in order to function in the world.
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And on and on it went.
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Every day, a little more painful than the last but the pain was increasing so slowly, so insidiously, you don’t notice.
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You just think it is normal.
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Just the way life has to be.
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And yet, inside always thinking there must be more than this.
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And every so often, having a moment of blinding realisation that there IS more and so, the search continues because you get a shot of hope.
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And then, I remember reading ‘THE SHACK’ and oh my goodness! The scales fell off my eyes!
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Someone was finally saying what my heart had always known.
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There is more.
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I am loved.
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There are no rules and regulations and I don’t need to be perfect.
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Maybe not saying it exactly like that but it touched my heart in a way that I could NEVER return from.
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Though, I still held on to what seemed to be the only normal way to do things but now, I was not buying into the nonsense.
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I started to step away.
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Little by little.
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I needed to find a way back to the heart of this love.
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And I had tried looking for it out there and it did not seem to be working.
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At some point in all of this, I began to realise that I was looking OUT THERE.
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I was following all these man-made rules and traditions and dogma and what-have-you, AND I HAD NOT FOUND WHAT I HAD ONLY EVER BEEN EXPERIENCING WITHIN ME.
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Slowly, slowly, I continued to draw away from these traditions and dogma and rules.
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Slowly, slowly, I started to look within and trust what I saw, felt, heard.
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But it went against everything I had spent my whole life learning.
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It felt scary.
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It felt confusing as I lost friends.
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Walked away from other close relationships because their importance started to fade away in the light of what I was uncovering within myself.
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More and more alone.
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First it felt wrong. You need people, don’t you?
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You need people’s approval of your plans and your thoughts, right?
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You could be completely deceived, right?!
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Except I had tried all that and unless I was willing to dampen myself out and just be what they all wanted me to be, there seemed to be no peace there.
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And even if I was willing to do that, there still seemed to be no peace there. Just people eating too much, drinking too much, entertaining themselves with pointless things, losing themselves in their children or parents or religious organisation as a distraction from facing into themselves.
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Still searching, longing for something more but convinced it did not exist and so putting a brave face on their emptiness.
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I was done with that.
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I began to see that I felt better when I was not trying so hard to follow their rules.
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I began to lean into this fullness within me, more and more.
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And yes, the physical reality looked absolutely terrible at times.
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And it would seem like “what the heck are you doing, Rosemary?”
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And sometimes, I would run back to the comfortable ‘safety’ of living from the outside in but the relief never lasted.
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And finally, I got done with just reacting to all of that external stuff because it just created more external nonsense to react to.
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So, I stopped doing that and instead started cultivating more of an inner life.
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I started cultivating peace.
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I started listening to the little whisper within and giving it more credence than the loud voice of fear – Mine or other people’s.
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And I know I am supposed to tie this up with glorious words of how life is now amazing as a result but this is not that kind of post.
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I don’t care anymore.
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Not in the way I used to.
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Not in the desperate, ‘if things do not look the way the world tells me success should look like, then I am going to die’, way that I used to.
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I have found the Pearl of great price and I will literally give up everything else for it.
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And the pearl is Papa within me.
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Always been there.
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Always will be there.
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And yes, I can, have and continue to create a life with all the physical stuff too.
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But none of that is enough without this internal freedom, this internal fulfilment, this internal abundance, this unconditional love.
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The thing I have been searching for, my whole life, has always been here waiting for me to come back home.
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I am home now.
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Let the storms rage.
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Let the mountain crumble.
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Let the sun shine brightly and everything look glorious.
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I am home now.
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And I will never leave again (at least not for long – I am still beautifully human!)
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What are you searching for, my love?
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Come back home.
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You may call Papa a different name than I do.
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You may not even personalise it like I do.
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But you need to know that the thing you are searching for, is already here.
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I invite you to work with me in WIN THE WAR WITHIN.
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You can have everything you want in life when you realise you do not need anything in life.
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Master yourself and master the manifestation process.
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Join me for the next intake.
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RosemaryNonnyKnight.com/winthewarwithin.
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Much Amazing Love
