Man, there are certain relationships in my life where I always seem to be caught up in one drama or the next…
Either I am trying to prove myself
Or I am trying to defend myself
Or I am trying to earn love
Or I am being a martyr and wishing that SOMEONE would understand me
Or I am being a victim where it is I against the world
And yet I have, in the past, kept throwing myself into the fray
Telling myself that I must talk it out
Argue it out
Reason it out
Telling myself I have to make the relationship work
It is the ‘christian’ thing to do
The ‘loving’ thing to do
But all of that always ends up the same…
Hurt people hurting each other
Everyone means well mostly
But the result is the same
And I suppose I got tired of it…
Tired of the same old, same old emotional rollercoaster when I KNOW my relationships could be more, much, much MORE!
I am deliberate designer of my life, am I not?!
My relationships can be loving and supportive and empowering
And I want that fairytale life where all my relationships are AMAZING
Yep, I do live in my own little bubble where I truly believe this is possible
And I began to realise, with Papa’s help, that the only reason I kept throwing myself into the fray over and over again was because deep inside, I did not feel I could have the relationships of my dreams and so I thought I had to fix the ones I have, any old how…
But I just kept ripping off the scabs that had not healed from the last time
And so the wounds kept getting deeper
I was either avoiding the peeps and hoping the pain would just go away by the next time I saw someone – IT DID NOT
Or I was feeling martyred and victimised and trying to manipulate everyone into feeling sorry for me and hoping that that would feel enough like love to settle for it. – THAT DID NOT WORK EITHER!
Well, I choose again to be done with it…
I choose again to do the very active work of inner healing…
And I get off the emotional rollercoaster
And I stop throwing myself into the fray before I am sufficiently steeped in Papa’s love to be able to navigate all the stuff without giving in to settling for a weird peace that is only skin deep.
I deliberately choose to step away
And I deliberately choose to go within
I commit to doing the work until it works
I love myself and the life I choose to create enough to do this work
And yes, I am POWERFUL ENOUGH To complete the work of healing
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Much Amazing Love
