It is not that i did not have a father
It is not that he did not do the best he knew how…
Unfortunately he had demons of his own to fight…
A car accident that broke his spine, in his prime…
Left him battling depression…
And hopelessness…
And sometimes, he took us for the ride with him…
But I still remember being about 7 when he could walk still and him carrying me to bed…
Feeling loved and protected in those moments…
I still remember him even after the life-changing accident, trying to play with us in his good moments…
Unfortunately, the bad tends to overshadow the good…
And I know there were times he felt abandoned by us…
I definitely wanted to be out of the house as soon as I could find an opportunity to go…
And then I remember being in the room with him, the only one in the room in a hospital in Bristol as he passed away…
With tubes down his throat so I was never able to speak with him in that time…
He met Simon for the first time in those final few days…
I never quite knew if he changed his tune and approved of my marriage…
He died just as I began to grow up enough to want to know him more…
Just as I was ready to begin to understand his side of the story…
So that never quite got completed.
A gaping hole filled by my Papa God (THANKFULLY HE HAS ALWAYS BEEN THERE…)
I remember being a 17 year old, snuck out of Nigeria against my father’s wishes…
Lonely, feeling abandoned and yet not wanting to go back home to Nigeria…
Here in the UK, an odd one out…
Quiet and shy (though you would not believe it now!)
No money, never really been hugged…
Older in mind than everyone my age…
And then in came new parents, Marie, Ray and Ruth, Debbie, Barney and others…
They showed me what it was like to be loved
They made me FEEL loved…
They held me together when I felt all alone…
Thanks guys…
Those 2 words will not even completely express the depth of gratitude for you all…
On days like today, I still long for a dad, a physical present dad…
You get these pictures in your mind from TV programs and other people’s lives…
Of what it could have been like to have been loved by a dad, fully completely…
To have a dad you can call when you feel down…
Who bails you out when you do stupid things…
Who ALWAYS loves you no matter what…
And you wonder if there will always be a bit of a hole…
But I recognise that I was blessed to have what I had.
And whenever I have needed anyone or anything, my Papa has always brought people to love me through…
And HIS love has always been constant.
Always true.
Yes, sometimes I feel fatherless…
But then, I remember I am never alone…
I am blessed indeed…
❣️
#JustThinkingOutLoud
