I decided again to push open the cage in which I had placed my heart…
I decided to wear my heart on my sleeve and refuse to go hide it away again…
I was that person who had to have a brave front between me and you…
I placed you at arms’ length because there’s a part of me that fears you will hurt me…
That you will see me and you will not like me
And so I should try very hard, so very hard to figure out what you want to hear from me, how you want to see me and I should become that person quick so that you like me…
Or, failing that, I should keep you far, far, FAR away from my heart so you never ever have the chance to hurt me…
I should be cynical and distrusting – All ways to keep you away from my heart – And then that way, I will never be scammed by you, never be taken in…
Because I thought deep inside that no one could really like me for me…
I did not really like me so how could you?
So I knew that you were just out to get me and I would never allow that again…
I mean I may not have loved myself or felt worthy of your care or anything but that did not mean I would let you trample all over my heart…
Oh no – I had your number…
You were out to get me, right?!
But I protected myself…
Built a strong tower all round me…
No one can get in
I cannot get out
And I will be safe.
Kinda.
Safe in my little bubble away from you.
Safe and petrified all at the same time…
And keeping myself from my dreams, my vision, my calling…
How could I live out the vision when I was so unworthy of love and any good thing?
How could I be trusted with other people’s lives when I was just not all that good enough?
All my energy gone to keeping me safe, rather than moving me forward…
See, I have been hurt many times before…
People I trusted and loved, have hurt me…
People who I thought were supposed to love me, hurt me instead…
And so I walked around with a shield between me and people generally…
I would never be taken in again…
I would guard and shield myself and keep you at a safe distance…
But that also meant I kept the good stuff out too…
And I tried not to see that at the heart of it, I disliked me…
I was allowing my self-unlove eat me alive…
And I was blaming you…
Saying it was your fault that I was so closed off…
Your fault and the fault of all those that had come before you and hurt me…
Poor old me…
Poor hurt me…
No one could expect me to trust again, could they?
I had been wounded and hurt…
I was alone in the world…
No one understood me…
And most of all, if those who were meant to love and cherish me from birth could not, then there must be something inherently wrong with me.
There must have been!
And so it went for a long time…
I was a lovely looking victim.
Successful in some ways…
Particularly in ways that did not mean I had to show my true self…
So, being a pharmacist was easy…
I could just put on another front, a veneer, hide my heart away because it meant nothing…
I could just do the job without any part of me being seen…
But for the big win, the one where I get to wake up every morning, living out my dream, my vision, BEING ME and creating prosperity while doing it…
The one where I get to feel fulfilled and happy…
Light and free inside and out…
That life demanded that I liked me, loved me…
And that was a big ask!
And so, it was always easier to go be on the broad path with all the other wannabe leaders who could not dare to look into their own hearts and see how their feeling of unlove, feeling of self-doubt, and “I am just not that good enough’ was keeping them from their destiny and the thing that their heart most wanted…
And Papa looked on in silence, holding me in the palm of His hand, waiting for me to wake up and see that I was surrounded by love and that I was enough and that He had made me worthy and good and given me a vision that I could create whenever I was ready…
But the vision could only be truly birthed in love…
Love for myself, first…
Love for the people I wanted to work with…
To see my weakness and my strength and to love me anyway…
To see their weakness and their strength and to love them anyway…
To believe in myself enough to go after everything I desired
To let people in
To push wide open the shield, the high tower I had placed around my heart…
I worked with coaches that tried to teach me tips and tricks and strategies and that was ok, to some extent, to get me into action…
I worked with coaches that got me to look into my heart and to admit what I really wanted and to look see what really held me back and that blew everything up…
And so the journey continues…
To the full expression of all that I am created to be…
And I invite you to explore all of you…
To combine the practical with the spiritual…
To combine the inner work with the outer work…
To no longer despise any part of you
To finally see that the only way you will EVER live to the fullness of your potential is when you combine it all and truly show up as you…
And I know there is doubt that you can make this work…
Self-doubt
And just plain old doubt because you have been conditioned to believe the rules of what is allowed and what is not…
And I suppose if you were a ‘reasonable’ then you would go along with the fear based pathway through life…
But you are not a reasonable.
You are a practical spiritual maverick called to make a difference in a bigger bolder way…
You are born for, and capable of a heckuva lot more…
And you want it all too
And so, honey, if you are done with all the downplaying, the hiding, the fear that everyone is out to get you in some way, the fear that they will see you and find you wanting…
If you are done with all that, and you are now ready to summon true lasting prosperity while following the call on your life then work with me in THE SELF-LOVE PERSONAL TRANSFORMATION PROJECT for 28 days. Lets dig deep into your soul, your spirit, your mind and lets remember who you really are.
Lets reinvent you for greater success and lets realise every single dream in your heart.
We will set a new foundation in your heart. One that gets you everything you desire because finally, you will KNOW that you are worthy.
And no, it will not be by anything I say – It will be by the personal reflections and personal guidance you receive as you go through this program. I will lead you through various strategies for self-uncovering and by the end of that 4 week period together, you will be transformed forever. No more doubt – Just confidence and a deep knowledge that you are capable of your calling.
Find out more here at RosemaryNonnyKnight.com/selflove
