You Deserve The Best. You Are Enough

There is a peculiar pain that comes from never feeling enough for your primary caregivers.

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We know most do their best.  I mean, we are parents ourselves now and we know we do our best and yet…

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The unhealed parts of them wounded us and if we are not careful the unhealed parts of us will wound our loved ones.

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I consider myself fairly self-aware.

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Papa and I have been close for a while now and I choose to see, rather than hide from my pain and yet, today, I got caught unawares by pain.

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Facebook blocked me off the platform for the 3rd/4th time within the last week or so and as much as I know they are not the source of my business.  I felt frustration, pain, distress and I did not even notice that it had nothing really to do with FB until my coach brought it to my attention.

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“What is the pain, Rosemary? He said.

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And I went into explaining how annoying it all was even though of course, I know it does not really matter etc etc etc but…

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“What is the pain, Rosemary?”

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And still I don’t want to see, I don’t want to feel, I just want to overcome.

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I have too much to do.

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I have too many people to serve.

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There is no time for this pain that I am supposed to be over.

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“What is the pain, Rosemary?  Stop being the guru.  What is the pain?”

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I went silent.

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I listened.

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I heard.

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“You deserve to be punished”

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“You are bad”

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“Look at how you treated that person, see how you disliked this person and that person”

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“See how you did not want to look after your dad when he needed you. You are bad, bad, BAD”

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“See how you choose even now to distance yourself from family.  Yes, you are bad.”

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“Of course, you deserve to be punished.”

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And the tears fall down my face.

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And all my defences are down.

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Well, mostly.

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I still don’t want to lean fully into the pain.

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The pain of knowing deep inside that I never felt quite enough for my parents.

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As I said, they did the best they could but there is no explaining to a child what a child feels.

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And that child is still within me.

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Still feeling not enough even for ME.

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No, I don’t want to see this.

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It feels so silly – my inner parent yells.

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“You should be over this”

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“You, the one who should have it all together”

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“Don’t go there!  Put the barriers up, you have work to do”

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“You have already done this work. Of course, you know you are worthy, of course you know you don’t deserve punishment.  You have already worked this through with Papa.  Now, stop being silly.”

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And yet, the work is not complete.

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And Facebook has ripped off the scab of my wound.

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And I get the chance to see and to allow myself to heal again but it is scary.

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To lean into the pain, feels unending.  It feels like it might take me over.

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It feels like I might die there.

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And I am supposed to know better.

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My coach reminds me that it is not my fault that I feel this way.

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That even though I wish for healing to come faster than it has, I can simply stop resisting and simply feel so that it can flow out of me.

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I know Papa loves me.

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So why do I still feel this pain?

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BUt there are no answers in the thinking about it.

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the relief comes as I feel.

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I lie with my husband and ask him to just hold me.  No talking, just hold me.

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And again, I am reminded of how blessed I am to have created this life where that is even an option.

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And again, I note how I am cared for by the Divine in providing someone who will do that, even though I can be so prickly because I feel I must always be strong.

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I want to say I feel complete and healed and back to normal.

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But I don’t.

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I just choose to trust you with my pain.

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As I started to say…

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There is a peculiar pain that comes from a wounded childhood, particularly for us the deliberate ones.

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We feel we should be over it.

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We feel it is silly to even think about it.

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But all the while, it eats away at us, stealing our destinies because deep within, you feel unworthy of prosperity.

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YOU feel you deserve punishment and life keeps giving you opportunities to heal but if you do not see it that way, you think you are unlucky, you think that nothing you ever do, prospers.

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And you plough on through feeling harder and harder inside because it looks like you cannot catch a break.

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And still opportunities to heal come but you have built such a sturdy wall inside you – YOu are too scared to look and see and heal.

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For a while now, I have chosen to look and to heal.

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And life opened up for me.

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That was not always my story.

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But freedom came as I chose to look.

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Anyway, I don’t want to turn this into some kind of teaching thing.

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I simply give you an opportunity for freedom from the pain you try to hide from but which haunts you anyway.

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I know you don’t want to see.

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I also know you want more than you currently have.

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Depending on which one of those desires, wins, THE FREEDOM COLLECTION is here for you.

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The pain is there whether you choose to heal or not.

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YOu can bury it and stay in struggle forever.

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Or you can choose to heal.

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It will not be instantaneous but life will begin to show you signs that you are letting go of the obstacles to your prosperity.

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As always, I wish I could give you a timeline but I can’t.

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I can only guarantee that life will not improve while you hide.

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You are incredibly loved

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BUt you will not know that while you hide.

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AWAKEN, my love.

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Yes, there will be times of great pain but then there will be times of great triumph if you choose to do this freedom work.

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I invite you to the DELIBERATE LIFE path.

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RosemaryNonnyKnight.com/freedomcollection

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Much Amazing Love

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