Today, my brother is getting married. Happy times and yet also time of reflection as he becomes more responsible for another woman, another family – the one he is now creating.
And I find myself feeling melancholy.
And I realize I have had expectations and whether you realize it or not, expectations are never a good thing.
They set you up for a fall.
They make you demand things of others that are not yours and it sets you up to be disappointed when you realize that they will never be fulfilled in the way you expected.
And I am working through that as I write. A sense that I have set wrong expectations for what love must look like, for how I expected to be chosen, for what a sister is and for so much more.
And the thing is, it shows up in all areas of my life!
Everything affects everything.
So, bear with me as I try to articulate how this has affected things and gotten in the way of my best life and business.
For the longest time, I have set myself apart. I have felt different from my extended family. I have felt like the black sheep and yet, I have loved my brothers in ways that a sister should never have loved. For too many reasons to mention, I loved them as though they were my kids and it has resulted in unhealthy relationships between us.
Because I was not a parent, I was too young to understand what it meant to love like a parent ( I took on the role at age 6 when my brother was born) and so I got it wrong.
I felt entitled to their loyalty…
I felt betrayed as they chose their actual mother over me or so I saw it…
I wanted them to need me because for the longest time, I defined love as being needed, being the savior of the world. My sense of self worth had been tied to their need of me.
And at the same time, I felt the pressure of being something I was not.
I was not a parent. I was not the savior of the world. I could not even bear the weight of that and so there was always the pressure to please people hanging around me even though I pushed them away because I could not really handle them needing me.
My relationships with people have always been a weird push-pull kinda thing.
But this is the thing, I created this.
I created this because beneath the bravado, the brashness, the apparent certainty was a little girl who felt that her worth was completely tied to saving other people. I rebelled against it and yet, I wanted the approval as well.
I have always been at odds with myself and with other people.
And little by little, I started to break free of this weirdness. I started to realize that my whole life had been a creation that I agreed to. It was not happening to me, I had made it so. My perceptions of the situations were not helping me, they were getting in the way of me creating my best life and so little by little, I started to more clearly question things.
And no, it was not taken well at times by the people in my life but the thing is, there was always more drama going on in my head than there was in anyone else’s so again, I was creating drama to give meaning to my life.
My meaning was far too attached to drama, to holding on to the unreality of relationships that had never been as loving as I wanted them to be. They could never be that because I never really showed up.
And I know that now. I kept trying to be what they wanted me to be and so I could never ever feel loved because I knew the person they saw, was not me.
And always, always, I thought that if the real me showed up then no one would care for me and I would be alone so though I did battle with my innards all the time and though people looking in at me thought I was a rebel, I desperately wanted their acceptance.
I was willing to be anyone, do anything if it meant I would get it.
I stopped trying with my family and started to try in my work, in my friendships, in all other areas of life.
The internal question seemed to be ‘Who do I need to be for you to love me, to care about me, to pay me?’
And so the pressure mounted and I could never ever get it right and even when I received the accolades, I never really thought it was enough. I never thought it was anything that I had done, there was always a reason to think that it was going to be taken away.
For instance, I won a Porsche because I was business woman of the year and I kept saying it was because the competition organisers had taken pity on me. It could not be because I deserved it, could it? I did not deserve such good things, did I? And I sold it within 6 months for practical reasons but also because deep down, I could not handle it.
And there was always a way to explain away any wins I had because I knew that I was not showing up. There was always a front there, always a need to please people into liking me.
And so it showed up in business.
I never felt I could be enough.
And so I wanted wealth but I also pushed it away by stop-starting, looking for all the drama with tenants (when I was a property investor alone), being part of the drama – I just had to feel needed, wanted, because then I could feel I mattered.
And I came into coaching that way too – A great profession for those who need to be needed.
It started that way but it certainly has not stayed that way.
I know I am not called to save ANYONE. I can support people but I no longer work with people who are looking for a savior.
And yet, today I see that there is room for more clarity, more clearing of the nonsense as I face my youngest brother becoming a part of a new family that I am not a huge part of.
And I feel the unwarranted hurt and the anger, I realize that there is still more to clear away within me.
And because I know everything affects everything, I know the fact that this event stirs this up in me must mean that I am ready to move to the next level in my life and in my business.
To let go of another shield, to wash off another layer getting in between my present self and the deliberate millionaire I have chosen to be.
Once upon a time, I created a persona to deal with the traumas of life and in order for me to move forward into my best life and business, I see that it is time to let another layer go.
I do not need to be needed in order to give of myself.
I give my best to the world because I choose to.
I do not do it to receive love.
I do it because I choose to.
I am loved whether I give or do not give – My worth is not attached to any of my actions.
I am love.
I choose to love.
This may or may not mean anything to you. I cannot be bothered to tie it up all nicely. I just share my message today hoping that you take from it what you can.
It is time to fight for, to create the life, the business you want.
I invite you to explore the Deliberate Life further with one or more of these options
I look forward to getting to know you more as we do the DELIBERATE LIFE together, making our dent, each in their own way.