I Spent So Much Time Trying To Prove My Worth Against A BOOK!!!!!

I was reading the Bible this morning and I got to remembering a time when I measured my value as a human being by the words in this book.

I had always been part of churches that seemed to believe that women were to be downplayed because men were somehow more valuable or something…

Of course, no one quite said it that way but when you are the one with these big ideas of things you would like to do…

Big ideas that are no more than what any man would consider normal but because you are female, you suddenly find that doors are slammed in your face, then it is a hard pill to swallow…

And then peeps would throw bible verses at you and try to get you to see that women had a role and it was not the role you wanted to play.

I hated it

I felt like a second-class person

But I loved God so I kept it going

Trying to fit my square shaped self into a round hole and finding it pretty dang tough!

And of course, being African, IN Africa, did not help either because again men were all the rage and women… not so much…

And in fact, it was expected that I would probably be beaten up by the African husband my parents might point me towards (without forcing me, of course, but there would be displeasure if I disagreed) because I refused to conform to the ways of a good African bride…

After all, “book will not feed a man”!

My family were proud of my intelligence but not if it came at the expense of being considered good wife material!

I look back now and it was just crazy…

I spent so much time, SO MUCH ENERGY trying to prove my worth

At church

At home

WOW!

Buying book after book that took those very same Bible verses that had been used to put me in my place and these books tried to explain what they REALLY meant and how it did not mean that women were useless…

But I could not completely believe the books because the Bible said it in plain English…

“Women should not speak, should not teach or lead or do anything other than look after the men and children…quietly and submissively.”

I finally found a church, when I was 25, that did not seem to care whether you were female or male and it was such a relief…

I remember crying as I watched a woman BOLDLY doing what I had been denied my WHOLE LIFE – OH MY! And no one was trying to stop her or put her in her place or have serious talks with her about how proud she was or whatever!!!!!

I was so glad to have finally found a place that felt like home… for a while… (story for another day)

But the thing is this…

Why the heck did I allow A BOOK to determine my worth?!

I mean, seriously!!!!!!

WHY THE HECK DID I THINK THAT A BOOK WAS THE DEFINITIVE ANSWER TO WHETHER I WAS WORTHY OR NOT?

I think of it now and I shudder with the silliness of the whole thing…

I still remember asking the Divine why He made me female and at the same time, placed all these big ideas inside of me…

How cruel was that?!

IF IT WAS TRUE!

And I was sooooo convinced, SOOOOOOO COMPLETELY convinced that the Bible was the definitive answer on my worth and so even though all the books I bought showed me how it did not mean females were ‘less than’, I could not completely free myself from the idea that god must have it in for me and I was guilty of wanting too much…

And finally, FINALLY, F-I-N-A-L-L-Y…

I realised it was just a book.

A great book, for sure…

But ultimately, a book.

Put together by human beings just like you and I…

A book that tries to define the Divine and it does have some great stuff in it, for absolutely sure…

But the real deal is so much better

I mean even the book itself states that if it tried to write about everything Jesus said or did then there would not be pages to contain it…

But I did not see that…

And it seems most people do not see that because we all limit ourselves and distrust the living dynamic whisper within, in favour of a book.

I can only share my own experience…

I do not seek to deter you from your path

But I finally realised that my foundation had always been wrong

My foundation was not a book

It was a living relationship with the Divine…

I mean, even in the Bible, it talks of the Israelites choosing the law over a living relationship and it made life considerable tougher for them…

I finally chose the living relationship

I finally chose to trust myself again

Yes, I read the Bible

And would even go as far as saying, I love the book…

But I am a bit more discerning these days…

Everything is tested against my living relationship with the Divine, not the other way round.

It is okay if I do not agree with some of the stuff in the Bible because it is NOT the final word anymore…

It really never was!

Again, I do not think it has no value

I think it is pretty valuable, in fact

There is incredible wisdom in there…

But I do think that the Divine and I are cool with or without it.

#JustThinkingOutLoud

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Much Amazing Love

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