Confessions of A Highly Sexual Leader Part 4

I moved to the UK…

17, kinda scared and definitely lonely…

I got here with very few clothes (I did have my trusty pair of purple jeans though!), feeling somewhat different from everyone here…

Very conscious of myself and realising that sex and smoking was the norm…  IN WOMEN!!!

I know I was very naive!

[Have you read the rest? Part 1, Part 2, Part 3 ]

Got deposited in a youth hostel with my sister and left to it…

I felt so out of place and my new found confidence in my sexuality and ability to control men just be being me, fizzled out, quickly!  I felt invisible, completely invisible.  I had no money, no clothes and felt adrift and so in the daylight, I tried to find more of God but at nighttime, I discovered a hidden vice…

Pornography!

AGAIN!

But this time, I could buy it easily in a shop!

I think I started at WHSmith with erotic novels first…

That stirred up my passions…

And then I progressed to looking sheepish as I bought pornography from the top shelf in far far away newsagents (yep, I would go on long bus journeys – just to avoid being anywhere close to the hostel I called home) under cover of darkness.  The thing is…

The guilt really got me…

Whatever I bought in the heat of the sexually driven moment would be discarded the very next day…

Seeing that I was living on about £5 a week at that point, it was a very expensive habit to have!!!!

But I was this Christian person!

I was not supposed to be doing this!

And yet, I could not seem to help myself!

And so it went on for months, years…

I would go for a long, long time without giving in and then all of a sudden, I would NEED to!  Maybe lonelier than usual, maybe, more needy than usual, maybe even happier than usual, whatever it was, I would give in…

Travel across city to buy my fix…

And then feel incredibly guilty about it!

Me, christian girl, giving into such ‘disgusting’ urges or so I thought…

I would go to church on Sunday, sing on the stage some weeks and pretend all was well…

From time to time, confess my hidden ‘depravity’ but Then get fed up of confessing to the same old, same old sin over and over again so I would just keep doing what I was doing and not mention it…

I felt terrible inside and that, in part, added to my more passive tendencies…

Because as much as I always had big plans and dreams in mind, I did not think that someone like me would ever be allowed to make them happen and I was so scared of being exposed…


 

Let me interject here and say, that I now KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that most of what I describe above is absolutely fine!

Nothing to feel ashamed of…

Yep, it is something that many preach against from the pulpit…

And that just makes natural human urges go underground and get worse and worse and worse until out explodes a terrible can of worms that everyone is judgemental and horrified about…

When really, there was just nothing wrong in the first place…

Yes, my more religious friends, you are probably horrified that I would say such a thing but it is the truth…

There is nothing wrong with people having fun with their own bodies…

There is nothing wrong with people sharing that fun with others, if they so choose…

So, yep, I say it out loud, I do not think there is anything AT ALL wrong with pornography…

It is just one form of sexual expression…

And as long as everyone is consenting, where on earth is the issue?

Yes, it may not be to your taste but it is your opinion, not the law!

And if you really do want to bring freedom to people, stop telling us all your opinion and making it some kind of edict from the heavens!

It is not!

It is simply human opinion!

And my opinion is certainly different from yours…

And in the words of Jesus, “Let him with no sin, cast the first stone!”


 

Anyway…

This carried on for years…

And mostly I kept it all hidden and then I met my hubby but as that is not completely my story to tell, I won’t go into too much detail about it…

Except to say that as a result of all this stuff, sex was not necessarily a joyful thing for me because there was shame around it…

Uncertainty as to whether I was allowed to like it…

Guilt about my urges…

And all in some way linked to what I thought God had to say about it…

Really… God had nothing to do with it because for most of my life, I had never actually heard Spirit speak to me…

All I had heard was some middleman telling me what God was supposedly saying to me and I had believed it!

Believed it so completely that it stifled me…

And as I started to ramp up my business and kept hitting block upon block upon block, I had to start doing the deeper work inside of me and that led me to a few revelations that will come in the next and probably final part of this confessional…

Leader, champion – Do you see anything of you in my stories?

Do you see how you may be holding yourself back because you think you should be guilty?

Do you understand why I am speaking?

It is time to come out of the shadows and stake your claim FULLY on the life you are born to live…

And no, you do not have to ignore your more spiritual or sexual side…

All of you is acceptable!

ALL OF YOU!

The world awaits your awakening!

PS Spirit Sex Success is coming! FREE preview masterclass call on Monday 10pm UK/5pm Eastern – Register at RosemaryNonnyKnight.com/freewebinar

Spirit, Sex, Success

Leave a Reply

CommentLuv badge

Copyright © 2017 Rosemary Nonny Knight All Rights Reserved.
Core Genius Ltd. Office: +44 (121) 318-5554 | 1-850-273-6785 |